Emmett Works at WalMart
by gypsywriter135
Summary: Emmett's adventures as a Wal-Mart employee. Complete crack.


**This is something that my friend wrote and didn't want to get an account here so I'm posting if for her.**

**This is pure crack, but I hope that you enjoy it. ^_^ It's in Emmett's POV.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own ****Twilight**** or Wal-Mart. Please don't sue me.**

**xoxoxoxoxoxoxo**

I can't believe that I actually got a job. Sure, Carlisle made enough money as a doctor for however long he's been one. I don't remember these things... I just got bored. There's only so much time I can spend hunting, hanging with Rose, and watching TV without getting bored. It's re-runs anyway.

The thing that really gets me is the fact that I applied to freaking Wal-Mart. Yes, Wal-Mart; the company that's taking over the world. They even accepted me! So now, I'm working 9-5 four days out of the week. I'm the person that walks around and asks people if they need any help. Fun stuff... Errrrrr, yeah. I just hope that people that shop there aren't too stupid.

Boy I was wrong. All I can say is that I look pretty damn sexy in that blue Wal-Mart vest.

**xoxoxoxoxoxoxo**

"Excuse me young man, could you tell me where the pregnancy tests are?" This 45-ish year old, 200 pounds overweight lady came up to ask me.

Oh dear God. Who in their right mind would have sex with you, lady? It looks like you dyed your hair that fire-engine red too many times since your hair in missing in patches. Do you bathe in a tub filled with year old fish sticks and perfume? Is that Smirnoff I smell on her breath?

I cleared my throat to try to hide my silent laughter and told her, "I'll show you where the pregnancy tests are, ma'am." I quickly and silently led her to the family planning section. Ya know, the one with the condoms and lube for various sexual experiences.

The tub o' lard took her sweet ass time picking out the pregnancy test that would suit her needs. Meanwhile, there was this nervous-looking teenage girl looking at the different condom packages obviously trying to find something. It was totally obvious that she was a virgin. Pfft, call me old-fashioned, but shouldn't her boyfriend at least be with her to help or something?

Sighing, I slide past the old drunk to help out the poor soul. I stood beside her, my large frame catching her eye. She squeaked, not expecting anyone to approach her in this section of the store.

"Can I help you, miss?" I carefully asked her, not wanting her to run away.

She started to shake in embarrassment. Hell, I would be embarrassed too. I'm glad Rose and I don't need them, that would suck having to go buy more like every week. I would really need a job then.

Back to the girl. Her face was beet-red, her entire body shaking, and I could smell her nervous sweat. I pitied her so I shot my arm out and grabbed a random box. I looked at the box: "For super sensitive skin." That sounded like her, I guess. She seemed sensitive emotionally, so she should be sensitive physically. Right? I'll go with that.

I shoved the box in the teen's face, forcing her to jump a foot in the air. "Here. I think that this is what you were looking for." I calmly stated.

She grabbed the box and sped off to the checkout almost as fast as a vampire. If I hadn't known any better, I would've thought that she was one. Hopefully it taught her a valuable lesson: Don't have sex because you will get pregnant and die. Wait, that was from Mean Girls. Dammit, I need to stop watching the movies that Bella and Alice want to watch. Well, that girl should have learned a similar lesson even though Mean Girls was an awesome movie.

Better not think that when Edward is around, or he'll tease me to no end.

**xoxoxoxoxoxoxo**

Okay, went home and thought about the Mean Girls thing. Edward was there, told Bella, who told Alice, who forced me to watch a Lindsay Lohan movie marathon all night. I hate Lindsay Lohan! The only movie that I liked with her was Mean Girls. This is why I got a job; to avoid Alice movie marathons. Now, I'm working 9-5 every day to see if I can get away from Alice for a bit.

So, here I am on a rainy Sunday morning, two months employed, waiting on customers with a fake smile plastered on my face.

The church-goers came in after service to get God knows what. Who in their right mind goes to Wal-Mart right after church. You're wearing nice clothes. Go to something more classy like Target or something.

Speak of the devil, a well-dressed elderly couple who obviously just got out of church came up to me and asked, "Could you help us get a fish for our new aquarium?"

I knew that this was going to be a long day so I walked the ten feet to the fish tanks, mentally sighing the whole way. Grabbing a plastic bowl and a net, I turned to the couple. The woman was looking at the tanks, searching for what she wanted. Her short gray curls rested atop her pasty, wrinkly head. She looked like a prune, which is probably what she ate for breakfast this morning, and every other morning since she turned 100. I'm just glad that Rose would never look like that, ever. That's one good thing about being a vampire.

Because of the whole 'no aging' thing, I wouldn't look like that old broad's husband. He was holding on to a cane for dear life, completely hunched over, and bald with liver spots. Gross. Were his pants up to his chin? Was he even wearing a shirt?

Closing my eyes and shaking my head, I tried to get the picture of the couple out of my head. I opened my eyes to see that the vision was still there. Shit, they didn't leave.

"Young man, what is this fish called?" The old woman pointed out a orange and black fish from a large tank.

"That's a goldfish." I gruffly said.

"Oh." She put her gnarled hand to her mouth, visibly surprised for some reason. "Then why does it have black on it if it's a goldfish?"

I mentally face-palmed. Seriously? Did this lady think that a goldfish could only be gold? Has she seen the color Goldfish crackers? They come in purple and green and... Wait, those aren't real goldfish colors. That damn Goldfish cracker company lied to me!

The granny snapped me out of my random thought process. "What type of fish is that?" She pointed to another fish.

"That's a goldfish. That whole tank is just goldfish. Are you that stupid that you can't read a fucking label on the tank that says what's in it? It just says goldfish, hence there's only goldfish in said tank. What is wrong with the people that shop here?!"

The lady just gaped at me and the man stared off into the distance. Maybe he was deaf or something. Whatever, I stormed away, leaving the couple to get their fish by themselves. They probably wouldn't be able to keep them alive anyway.

I stripped off my vest with my awesome "Emmett" name tag on it. It even had a smiley face sticker on it. I walked over to my boss, handed the vest over, and stalked out of the store, vowing to never set foot in that mass gathering of retards ever again.

I got home, completely pissed. Alice probably saw me coming so she set up our little movie theater with Mean Girls ready to play. God I love Mean Girls.

**xoxoxoxoxoxoxo**

**I hope that you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.**


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